When Did I Feel Like I “Made It”?
I’ve always thought that success and “making it” have two different definitions. One is what “other people” think or perceive you as, and is rarely accurate. The other is what it means to you personally. There are so many different ways to be successful in this industry that when we are younger, we don’t stop and think about what our personal goals might be or the multitude of ways our careers can look. When I was younger, I believe I vaguely assumed I would be a part of a ballet company and… get married, and that would be my life.
LOL
I clearly had not taken time to think it all the way through. As young people are prone to do. One thing I did know beyond a shadow of a doubt, though, was that ballet would be in my life somehow, some way, forever. Past that… I didn’t know. So, I did what so many young dancers do — tried everything, auditioned for everything, threw everything I had in me at the proverbial wall and saw what stuck.
By the time I’ve reached this stage of my career and started trying to answer this common question, I’ve realized I struggle to pinpoint a specific big moment. This love has been a slow burn.
I definitely had a moment at the very beginning of my professional career when I received my first paycheck for performing and was like, ‘Whoa… am I doing it?’ And - yes, yes I was, but I knew also that this wasn’t just ‘it.’ I had a long road ahead of me to be able to call what I was doing a career.
For me personally, I’ve always had difficulty shaking imposter syndrome, which never helped encourage any feelings of success. Because:
Classical ballet taught me to be very self-critical, hold myself to the highest standard, and never risk arrogance by celebrating wins, and
I am self-taught in so many ways - particularly in the business aspect of showbiz. There is no class you can take for something like this. Or at least, there wasn’t when I was getting started. Now, you can watch TikTok’s or YouTube videos with professionals giving advice freely. Information like this was severely gate-kept when I got started.
I’ve always been a proverbial sponge - soaking up all the information I can as a naturally quiet person. This has served me well in every aspect of the business. I immersed myself in every facet of live performance and, in doing so, became the first nightlife performer in New York City to build a career with the degree of versatility and range I have at a professional level.
A bold statement, but it is true.
Much of my career has been built without a roadmap. Because my work spans so many disciplines, there were no examples to follow when it came to things like resumes, websites, or promotional materials. I found myself figuring it out as I went.
I think I can definitively say that there comes a time when you realize you’ve at least achieved something when you’re trying to figure out not only the formatting, but also when you’re trying to fit and prioritize all the things you’ve done onto a one-page resume. Or, pick and choose and pare down all the video material you have for your sizzle reel.
There are also moments that struck me over time - working at an after-party where big names were present, finally performing with a prestigious troupe, or performing on a stage or at a club I’d admired for ages - all of these things accumulated over time.
And then one day, someone turns to you (in this case, my favorite aerial partner) and says, “Are you proud of everything you’ve accomplished? Because your resume is STACKED.”
I guess I have “made it.” He fully stopped me in my tracks that day. (Technically, we were sitting. On the second floor of a bus in London, post-Beyoncé Cowboy Carter show.) I’m not sure if he even remembers that conversation, but I will remember it for a long time.
The really really cool thing about achieving goals in this industry is that you can always set new ones. The definition of success will always change and evolve as you grow as an artist. Success will always be what you make it for yourself - not the version that is defined by others.
And maybe this is “making it.” Reaching the top of one challenge and finding the courage to pivot to the next. I confess there have been moments when I felt lost after climbing certain mountains. But now, I embrace and celebrate the ability to pivot. Having performed in nearly every venue, for such a wide range of companies, working on Broadway, producing my own shows, and working with so many talented people and established names. The world is still my oyster all these years later.
“Making it” isn’t a single booking, a prestigious stage, or a famous name in the audience.
It’s the moment you look back and realize you’ve built the life you once hoped was possible without noticing. The life that your much younger self once dreamed of. (I know I’ve vastly improved upon the life I dreamed of as a child. I think she would be so happy.)
And then, because artists are artists, you set a new goal and begin again.
From the plume 🦢🪶